Navigating Family Holiday Conflicts with Peace Psychology
The holidays bring families together, but that togetherness can reignite old tensions. Differing personalities, values, and expectations can be a recipe for conflict. But have no fear! Here are some tools rooted in conflict resolution and peace psychology to help keep the season joyful.
One common pitfall is expecting old disputes to disappear during family gatherings. As we’ve discussed before, avoiding conflict typically just ignores the problem until it inevitably bubbles back up to the surface. Meaning, it’s important to anticipate that during your family gathering, sensitive topics/old issues may arise. To stay one step ahead, it’s crucial to reflect on what potential conflicts may pop up and pre-plan your responses accordingly. For instance, if political debates are a recurring source of conflict, you might agree ahead of time to steer conversations towards a shared interest, hobby, or even a positive family memory.
Even so, some relatives might try to instigate a heated discussion, or try to “get your goat”. This sort of boundary-crossing can be intentionally specific and hurtful. Family members may comment on personal choices, parenting, career, and relationships in ways that feel intrusive (because it probably is). Usually, what they are looking for is an emotional reaction.
If this sounds a little too close for comfort, you might want to focus more on the art of detachment. Detachment is the practice of releasing control over outcomes and allowing people and situations to unfold without clinging or resistance. You won’t be able to control what a person says to you, but you can control how you choose to react. By stepping back from defensive or hoping for a certain outcome, we can respond to challenges with steadiness rather than reactivity.
We’ll go more in-depth on detachment in one of our December blogs.
Let’s bring it all together in a more cohesive tool list:
Choose your battles: Not every comment needs a response; decide what’s worth addressing. This is why pre-planning your responses may be helpful. If a relative brings up something upsetting/triggering to you, practice detachment.
Create cooling spaces: Choose a way to ground yourself that is doable and most comfortable to you. Take a walk, play with kids, or step outside when tension rises.
Use humor wisely: Light humor can defuse tension, but avoid sarcasm or joking about previous/current conflicts. Use your discernment!
Focus on shared rituals: Meals, games, music, or storytelling may help remind families of what unites them. For some, the meal may be the most important (and only) shared ritual.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict, but to get through it with grace. By approaching gatherings with realistic expectations, emotional regulation, and clear boundaries, families can focus on connection rather than conflict.
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Good luck and happy holidays from Rogers Resolution Services!