How to Really Listen During Conflict

It’s common in conflict to listen for flaws or prepare counterpoints instead of truly hearing the other person. Active listening flips that instinct. It helps you slow down, build understanding, and reduce tension by showing the other person that they matter. Whether you're resolving conflict with a partner, co-worker, or family member, this skill is essential.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you practice active listening, including real-world phrases and scenarios.

Step 1: Set the Intention to Listen

Before the conversation begins, pause and check in with yourself. Are you ready to listen to understand, not just to respond? The goal in a conflict should be to understand the other party, not to win an argument. Setting the intention to listen without judgment or the need to persuade the other party into changing their opinion will shape how you show up. Without a listening mindset, even the best phrases can sound performative.

Step 2: Use Open Body Language and Eye Contact

Your nonverbal signals matter just as much as your words. Avoid crossing arms, fidgeting, or looking at your phone.

• Try:

  • Facing the speaker with a relaxed posture

  • Nodding occasionally

  • Maintaining eye contact (if you’re connecting via video conferencing, be sure to keep your camera on to signal presence)

Step 3: Give Minimal Encouragers

Use short phrases or sounds to show the other person you're following without interrupting.

• Examples:

  • “I see.”

  • “Mm-hmm.”

  • “Tell me more about that.”

  • “That makes sense.”

It’s extremely important not to overuse the above phrases. Just saying “Mm-hmm” constantly without actually listening to what the other party is saying can come off as condescending or performative, especially if the speaker is sharing vulnerable information. There needs to be a delicate balance of open body language and verbal encouragement.

• Scenario: A co-worker vents about being left out of a project. You respond gently with, “That sounds frustrating. What happened next?”

Step 4: Reflect and Paraphrase

Summarize what you’ve heard in your own words to show you understand and to give the speaker a chance to clarify.

• Try:

  • “What I’m hearing is…”

  • “So you’re saying…”

  • “It sounds like you felt…”

When reflecting on the other speaker’s words, it’s important not to repeat what they’ve said verbatim. The goal is to paraphrase what they’ve said in a neutral way, or a way that gets their point across without the intensity of the emotion behind their words.

• Scenario: A partner says, “You never back me up in front of your family.” You reflect: “It sounds like you felt unsupported when I stayed quiet. Is that right?”

Step 5: Validate the Emotion (Even If You Disagree with the Content)

Active listening doesn't mean you agree; it means you acknowledge their experience. It’s crucial to separate listening and understanding from agreement.

• Examples:

  • “I can see why that upset you.”

  • “That makes sense, given (what you were feeling/the situation).”

  • “I understand why you felt that way.”

• Scenario: A co-worker says, “I felt like no one took me seriously at the meeting.” You respond, “It makes sense you’d feel that way, especially since (insert facts you heard them say).”

Step 6: Ask Clarifying Questions

If something feels unclear, ask for more information with curiosity, not challenge.

• Examples:

  • “Can you help me understand what you meant by…?”

  • “When you said ___, what was going through your mind?”

  • “What would have felt more supportive in that moment?”

• Scenario: A friend says, “You’ve been distant.” Instead of defending yourself, you ask, “I’m sorry. How long have you been feeling that way?”

Step 7: Pause Before Responding

After the speaker finishes, take a moment to breathe before responding. This ensures your reply is thoughtful and measured.

• Try:

  • Taking a deep breath

  • Saying, “Thanks for sharing that. I’m taking a second to think about how I want to respond.”

• Why it works: That pause gives your nervous system a chance to stay regulated and reduces the chance of a reactive comeback.

Let’s look at a brief example using all the steps above:

Situation: You and your colleague are in conflict over missed deadlines. They say: “You never tell me when things change! I’m always the last to know!”

You might respond:

“I can see this has been frustrating for you. (Step 5) I’m hearing that you’ve been left out of updates, and that’s made it harder for you to be on the same page with the team. (Step 4) How many updates have you been out of the loop on? Is there a better way for updates to be communicated to you? (Step 6)”

That kind of response opens the door for clarity and connection, not more conflict. Active listening takes practice, but even one mindful response can change the direction of a conversation. When people feel heard, they become more open to hearing you in return.

If you're in the middle of a conflict and struggling to stay grounded, pair active listening with emotional regulation tools like breathwork or somatic grounding (see my previous blog post for those tips!).