How to Stay Calm in Conflict: 7 Ways to Regulate Your Emotions

Conflict is not just a cognitive event, it’s a physical and emotional one, too. When we feel threatened, our nervous system can go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When we enter this state, it’s much harder to listen, process information, or express ourselves clearly. That’s why emotional regulation is a key first step in managing conflict constructively. Use these tips whenever you find yourself in a difficult situation.

Please note that not every emotional regulation technique will be applicable or doable depending on the context of the conflict you're in. These are just emotional regulation tools to keep in your toolbox.

1. Grounding Techniques (Somatic Awareness)

Grounding involves bringing your attention to the present moment using your body and senses. This helps interrupt the fight-or-flight response triggered by conflict.

• Examples:

  • Feel your feet on the floor.

  • Hold a cool object (like a cold glass of water).

  • Name five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, one thing you taste (the "5-4-3-2-1" technique).

• Why it works: Grounding activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping shift the body out of a stress response (Porges, 2011; Polyvagal Theory).

2. Controlled Breathing (Breath Regulation)

Slow, deliberate breathing regulates the autonomic nervous system and reduces physiological arousal.

• Technique: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6–8 seconds. Repeat for several minutes.

• Why it works: Deep exhalation stimulates the vagus nerve, lowering cortisol and heart rate (Brown & Gerbarg, 2005; Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine).

3. Labeling Emotions (Affect Labeling)

Naming your emotions (e.g., "I'm feeling angry," "I'm overwhelmed") can reduce their intensity. Acknowledging, “I’m feeling really disappointed right now,” helps shift the emotional intensity and can re-center your thinking.

• Why it works: Neuroscience studies show that labeling emotions engages the prefrontal cortex and decreases activity in the amygdala (Lieberman et al., 2007; Psychological Science).

4. Cognitive Reframing

Cognitive Reframing involves actively challenging unhelpful thoughts and shifting perspective.

• Example: Replace “They’re doing this on purpose” with “Maybe they’re reacting out of stress, too.”

• Why it works: Reappraisal techniques improve emotional regulation and reduce impulsive reactions (Gross, 2002; Emotion).

5. Self-Compassion and Internal Validation

Use calming self-talk like, “It’s okay to feel this way,” or “I’m allowed to feel upset.” You are allowed to feel your feelings. Pushing them aside or ignoring them can be detrimental to your mental health in the long run.

• Why it works: Self-compassion helps reduce the stress response and increases resilience in interpersonal conflict (Neff, 2003; Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself).

6. Use of a Safe Word or Pause Signal

In relationships or structured mediation, agree in advance on a way to pause if emotions escalate. Not every conflict will create a space for safe words or the opportunity to pause

• Why it works: Collaborative boundaries around conflict support emotional safety and reduce reactivity (Markman et al., 1994; Fighting for Your Marriage).

7. Physical Movement

If possible, take a break and remove yourself from the situation. Another strategy is to physically take a break from the conversation, signaling your need for space without abandoning the issue. A short walk, a glass of water, or a few quiet minutes can reset your nervous system.

• Why it works: Even small movements discharge built-up adrenaline and cortisol (Levine, 1997; Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma).

These techniques align well with the transformative mediation model, which emphasizes supporting people in regaining clarity and strength during conflict. In transformative terms, this means helping parties shift from confusion to understanding, and from disempowerment to agency. When you stay grounded, you’re better equipped to make choices that align with your values, and more likely to create space for dialogue, not just debate.

Source: Bush, R. A. B., & Folger, J. P. (2005). The Promise of Mediation: The Transformative Approach to Conflict (Revised Edition). Jossey-Bass.