All About Anger

Written By Shelby Rogers

Anger is one of the most common yet misunderstood human emotions. While it often shows up as yelling, arguing, or shutting down, anger is rarely the whole story. In conflict resolution work, we often see that anger acts as a mask for deeper, more vulnerable feelings.

Psychologists consider anger a secondary emotion. That means it typically arises in response to a primary feeling such as fear, sadness, shame, or hurt. Anger can be overwhelmingly powerful and protective, especially when the underlying emotions feel exposed or unsafe. For example:

  • Fear of rejection may come out as irritation.

  • Grief may show up as frustration.

  • Shame can turn into defensiveness or hostility.

Recognizing anger as a “signal” for something deeper, rather than a standalone emotion can help us understand both ourselves and others more clearly.

What Triggers Anger?

Everyone’s triggers are different, but some patterns show up often. Anger can arise when we sense a perceived injustice, such as being treated unfairly or unequally. It can also surface when someone violates our physical or emotional boundaries, leaving us feeling unsafe or disrespected. At other times, stress and overwhelm make anger a release valve, a way of expressing the pressure we carry. Finally, unmet needs, like not feeling heard, respected, or acknowledged, can fuel frustration and cause anger to erupt

It’s important to remember that the trigger is often just the surface issue. The root lies deeper. As conflict resolution practitioners, we know that anger doesn’t have to derail communication. Here are a few strategies that help in heated moments:

  1. Pause before reacting: Take a breath, count to five, or step away briefly. This gives the rational part of your brain time to catch up.

  2. Name the underlying feeling: Ask yourself, What’s beneath this anger? Am I hurt, afraid, or embarrassed?

  3. Use “I” statements: Instead of blaming (“You never listen”), express your experience (“I feel unheard when…”).

  4. Set clear boundaries: Calmly explain what behavior is not okay and what you need moving forward.

  5. Practice active listening: If someone else is angry, listen without interrupting. Often, being heard lowers their intensity. We’ve covered this topic more extensively in our previous blog post. 

Dealing with High-Conflict Individuals

Becoming angry during a conflict is normal. However, some people escalate quickly and struggle to manage their emotions; these are often called high-conflict individuals. High-conflict individuals often show recognizable patterns in how they relate to others. They typically look for a target of blame, directing hostility through bullying, harassment, rumor-spreading, and can escalate small conflicts into huge blowouts suddenly. Their behavior may become extreme, ranging from cruel remarks to throwing objects or even physical aggression. 

They sometimes issue threats if others disagree with them and struggle to manage their emotions, leading to frequent displays of intensity. Their thinking is often rigid and all-or-nothing, leaving little room for compromise. In addition, they tend to avoid responsibility, deflecting accountability with excuses and justifications for their actions. Working with them requires extra care:

Disclaimer: If you are not trained to deal with high-conflict individuals or have a person fitting this description in your interpersonal life, DO NOT ENGAGE. It’s better to keep yourself safe, rather than deal with the unpredictable nature of these individuals. 

  1. Stay calm and neutral: Don’t match their intensity; keep your voice steady and your words clear. Understand that what they’re feeling is very real to them. Anger, like a fire, can be uncontrollable when fed. 

  2. Set firm limits: If the conversation becomes abusive, pause or end it until it can resumed respectfully.

  3. Redirect to solutions: Shift focus from blame to possible next steps. Separate the people from the problem. 

  4. Use written communication when needed: This creates a record and reduces misinterpretation.

Anger itself isn’t “bad.” It alerts us to our more shadow selves that are worth exploring. By understanding what drives anger and responding with intention, we can turn conflict into an opportunity for clarity, healing, and better communication. Do not be afraid of your own anger, become more curious about what’s underneath. 

Sources:

Shelby Rogers
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